39 Weeks and Feeling Guilty

So here we are at 39 weeks pregnant.  39 weeks and 4 days to be exact but who’s counting.  I have to admit that I’ve been feeling some serious guilt this week.  And it’s not guilt about possibly leaving my house in a mess when I go to the hospital, or potentially having to call a friend in the middle of the night to stay with my kids until our parents get here.

One thing I’ve been feeling guilty about is not being honest with my friends and family.  If you know me at all you know I don’t lie well at all, so not being honest is a HUGE weight on my shoulders.  So what haven’t I been honest about?  I haven’t always been honest when you’ve asked how I’m feeling.  Now in my defense, a large part of that is because I know that many of you are asking to either be nice or make conversation and don’t really want the list of how I’m really feeling.  But I’m sure that I haven’t shared everything with even close family members.  Yes I’ve been tired and hot, but I just assume that over the past 9 months you really didn’t want to hear about:

  • Nausea so bad that I had to leave the table when my family ate yogurt or eggs or bacon or…….
  • Lower back pain so intense that I could barely walk some days – and no it wasn’t sciatica.  And when I did walk I would be inn tears.  But I still needed to do things like thake the kids to school and pick them up, etc.
  • My nights where I couldn’t sleep and would toss and turn for hours before I finally got up to read only to go back to bed at 3 or 4 hoping to get a few hours of sleep before I had to be up with my kids.
  • The total and complete exhaustion of doing a simple task such as grocery shopping, or walking to the park with my kids.  FYI – the park is at the end of my street.
  • The braxton hicks contractions that I’ve been experiencing since August
  • The random back spasms – yes these are different that the back pain mentioned above
  • The serious cankles that are happening.  And there’s GOT to be a step up from cankles, I just don’t know what it is.
  • The general tiredness
  • The hot “flashes”.  Although they seem to last all day and for someone who is ALWAYS cold, it is a truly odd experience.
  • The ice-cube eating – I normally HATE eating ice cubes or ice-cold water, but that is now what I drink.
  • The lack of patience I have with my kids some days.  And if you know them at all they are generally really good, well-behaved, and respectful kids.
  • The irritability.  Ok let’s be honest, if you’ve spent any time with me, you’ve probably noticed that one yourself.  LOL.

See??  Most of you don’t want to hear about that.  And let’s face it I’m not generally one to complain (too much) to people.  Well unless of course you’re my hubby, or our parents, or a close friend.

The other reason for my guilt and not sharing everything listed above was thinking about those women and men who will never experience this.  There are SOOOOO many people out there who have been trying to have a baby for so long only to be told that it failed again, or it’s not going to happen for them for whatever reason, or they just lost a baby perhaps again.  So many women would LOVE to experience ALL of those things I listed above, and I just felt guilty complaining about them.

I know how fortunate we are to be expecting our 3rd child any day.  I know how fortunate we are that we have had complication-free pregnancies.  I know how fortunate we are to have had all 3 of our children carried to term.  I know how fortunate we are that we have had 2 relatively easy and quick labour and deliveries – even if I had to be induced with both of them.  I’ve been fortunate with this pregnancy to be pregnant with some friends at the same time who are due around the same time as me.  Some have already met their new family members.  Some will probably meet them before I meet mine, and some will come after mine.  For me this was never any type of competition or race to see who could have theirs first, although I fear some people feel that way.  It hasn’t been uncommon over the past few months to hear, “So.. did you hear Shelly’s having contractions.  How have yours been?” or “Jill has her baby’s room all set up, is yours ready yet?”  I’m more excited to hear that these women have (or will soon) be bringing their new family members home with them.

So you’re probably wondering why I wrote this.  I didn’t do it for any type of sympathy – that’s not my style and will only add to my guilt.  I did it because we can never really and truly know how some others are feeling.  Just because they aren’t constantly complaining about something doesn’t mean that they might not be feeling something similar or possibly even worse.  And I did it in case others like me are out there feeling guilty for either not being truly honest, or for being pregnant when others can’t be.

So now that this is done, I’m going to do my best to not feel guilty and enjoy the last few days of my pregnancy.

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